I found something I had written some years ago. It was a list of things I hated.
1. A guy who lived next door to me. He was a little “slow” and he came over a lot to visit me and my then-husband. He just wanted people to talk to. He never stole from me, never did anything hurtful. Just wanted company.
2. The lady in my office building who had frozen dinners: tuna casserole. From the smell to her domination of the microwave, I seethed when I saw her. Did it matter? She just liked melted cheese, fish and noodles! So what? And as for her dominating the microwave …… I don’t think she knew for a minute that she was holding up our lunch break. And anyways ….. I could have rescheduled my lunch hour. I could have said something tactfully to her. I think what I really resented was my silence about it and my steadfastness in wanting to take my break at exactly 12.
3. Three people who incessantly obsessed over their weight loss. So what? So WHAT? They were “into” something. Was that a crime? Couldn’t I just lend them my ear, smile and nod?
4. People who tried to predict what the sex of my child was by ….. old wives’ tales, like my nose was flattening and my stomach was “carrying high.” Again. So what?
So here I am, apologizing to these people who probably never knew how intensely I hated them. I apologize for thinking such hateful thoughts, for sending so much negative energy into the world. I recently watched a documentary called I Am. The gist of it is how we have this energy, all part of a greater energy (I don’t say “greater good,” because they seemed to believe it’s not necessarily a greater good if we’re spewing this negativity …….). Something like Avatar I guess. It’s about the cooperation.
In I Am, they put these sensor things in yogurt to show that the basest of existence reacts to people’s energy – and this includes yogurt cultures. The director talked about calling his lawyer and the bar of the sensor started flying around to indicate the cultures were reacting to this.
I can’t help but wonder who was affected by my negativity whether it was silent scorn or my more vocal and angry negativity. To you, the reader, who may have been a byproduct of my butterfly affect, I apologize. To the people specifically, the objects of my silent rage, I apologize.
In my step meeting I heard a man say “Every day I try to cut five people some slack …… whether they cut me off in traffic or whatever ……..” I wish I had cut these people some slack.
Thank God things are different today.