So ……. why did I drink?
Obviously I had full-body cravings, an epic lust, that just could not be ignored. But there were times when I didn’t feel that way. Empty nights when I came home and knew deep in my heart I didn’t HAVE to today. Regardless … I always did. I was a daily drinker and didn’t know how to NOT be.
Have you ever had someone come in the room, someone negative and obnoxious and rotten, and you just wanted to get up and walk away? You see them coming, you shift your eyes, and rise to make your exit before they see that you see them and have made the connection. Every word they utter – even if it’s not directed directly toward you – is like an assault. They bitch incessantly and it’s such a buzz kill. Well? I was that person. Even I wanted to get away from me.
Other people LIKED me. Don’t get me wrong. I could be funny, witty, smart, sweet … anything you wanted me to be. But that’s because I didn’t always have the audacity to voice the negativity that was spinning unchecked in my head.
“This sucks. Why does SHE have to be here? Man, I hate her. Why me?” This is the kind of stuff that churned inside like a brewing hurricane. I’m actually surprised no one could see it. It was a category 136 storm.
“I have to get out of here. OH man, how much longer do I have to be here? This sucks. I hate my job.” This was me at work. The silent me. The verbal me was cracking jokes and smiling, desperately trying to hide the part of me that detested where I was. Detested WHO I was.
“This is f***king boring. This sucks. Why me? ” This was me at home. Alone. “Life sucks. This blows.”
So how could I possibly see this girl coming and sneak out of the room without her seeing me? How could I avoid being taken hostage from this hostile, rotten wretch?
I drank. I quieted her down. She didn’t CARE if life sucked after a few.
For the most part, it was cravings. It was a magnificent hunger I couldn’t ignore. But on the days when the hunger was quelled, it was to shut me up. Of course there were still other reasons. But this was the biggie.