Sometimes My Liver Gets Horny …….

Last fall I went to a concert with some friends from AA.  Obviously the very last thing on my mind was drinking.  We took our seats in the old theatre with the ornate ceiling paintings and brass fixtures.  In its heyday, it was doubtlessly elegant. The seats are staggered in such a way that you always get a good view – and then the seats are situated on an incline so tall people sitting in front of you don’t matter.

So …. about that incline.  Someone behind me somewhere spilled their Peachtree Schnapps and its trickle took it down the incline and under my feet where its sticky sweet boozy smell wafted up.  My liver was horny.  I wanted that stuff.

Were I to make a list right now of my favorite drinks, Peachtree wouldn’t be a priority.  It might make the list.  Perhaps it would be number 76 on a list of 100.  But the smell activated something.

The everyday compulsion to drink is gone – thanks to my taking AA’s suggestion of praying and asking God to remove the  urge.  But once in a while it taps me on the shoulder.  Generally it’s too brief to even act upon – even if I wanted to.  My sponsor says this is GOOD.  It reminds me I’m not a social drinker – ‘lest I forget.

Another time I had this huge tidal wave of cravings overwhelm me was at Price Chopper on a Sunday morning.  I was returning my empty soda cans to a recycle machine in the front of the store.  The person who used it before me must have returned beer cans – cans that hadn’t been rinsed.  It smelled like a bar mat.  All sticky and stale and disgusting …. and I wanted to stick my FACE in there and suck it clean.  The Price Chopper that I go to DOES sell wine and beer.  It was maybe 63 paces from where I was.  I took the rest of my uncrunched cans and departed.  The feeling ebbed with the fresh air and the slipping shut of the automatic doors.

But it’s there.  It’s there anytime I want.  All I need is to be off my game for a while and to smell something or hear a song they played in bars I haunted or to see a neon light.  A neon light set me off once.  I could see it from the Mc Donald’s drive-thru.  Its warm red glow and cursive promises of Budweiser were hard to resist.  It didn’t help that the light was in the bar of a favorite old haunt. I could almost hear the bargoers singing “Beh-beh-beh!  Good times never seemed to goood [so good, so good!]  I’m feelin’ fine …..Beh-beh-beh!……..”  I could almost feel the glass in my hand and taste the ……

I drove away.  No hamburger is worth this.  The feeling grew smaller as I sped past the endless yellow stripe in the road.  Passing by blurred buildings and trees, it shrank until it was gone.

As scary as the urge is, I don’t have to act on it – no matter how big it is.  As long as I remember that I’m powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable and feel that healthy FEAR – I’ll be okay.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s