I tried to stop SO many times. I did, I did! I promise.
Reason #1: To save my relationship with the man I loved, the man I was with for 7 years.
Reason #’s 2-38: See above.
Reason #39: I lost the man above. I wanted to “show him” how “good” I was doing.
Reason #’s 40-???: I couldn’t get buzzed anymore.
Reason #____: I had my first blackout
Reason #____: I was getting violent
Reason # ____: I side-swiped a house while driving my car
Reason #_____: I spontaneously vomited while driving home. Being too buzzed to cope with it that night, I went inside and passed out. The following morning was hideous.
Reason #____: I lost the place I was living and had to live with mom for a month. I couldn’t let her see me like that. The vow to stop drinking lasted for less than one evening.
Reason #___: I was getting more violent
Reason # ___: More blackouts. More accusations of violence, corroborated by blood on my floor
Reason #____: Domestic violence
Reason # ____: Court
Reason # ____: To save another relationship
Reason #_____: I still couldn’t get buzzed anymore
Reason # _____: I hated myself
Reason #_____: My then-husband went to detox.
I was extremely angry inside at him – this was going to screw up EVERYTHING for me! I couldn’t have it in the house, I couldn’t go to the bars …. I mean, HIS drinking was ruining our marriage, right? [wink]. On the outside …. I was supportive. Lip-service was something I could do well. “Yes, honey. What ever you need.” The plan was to get annihilated every minute he was in that detox and …. I’d stop …. when …. he …. got out.
Getting ready to stock my ‘fridge, I had one shoe off and one shoe on. With shoe in hand, I stared at nothing and thought. A calm came over me and I thought, “Why don’t I just not drink today. Like, for practice.” And that was it. He left detox AMA and detoxed on beer. In my sick mind, this made perfect sense to me. I mean, he was a drunk after all.
I felt shaky. I couldn’t think. I kept sensing someone standing very close to me and I’d turn and no one would be there and I’d jump. Jumpy, jumpy, jumpy. Why didn’t I go to detox? Ohhhh, because. I wanted to drink at the drop of a hat. I didn’t want to have to sign out of someplace if I changed my mind. I didn’t want some nurse talking me out of it. Besides. Detoxes were for alcoholics.